A man walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches.
The butcher said to the man that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length, what’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb asked the man, the butcher replied well they both must have come from the same sheep.
2010年10月26日 星期二
Gorilla Language
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
At The Beach
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!
Because he didn't want to be recognised!
Elephant And Dangerous
What looks like an elephant and is dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!
An elephant with a machine gun!
2010年10月20日 星期三
Breaking Up
You know you're dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?
Emergency Call
Our office building's only elevator was acting up. When I rode it to the lobby on my way to lunch, the door refused to open. Trying not to panic, I hit the emergency button, which triggers an automatic call to the repair service.
Through the speaker in the elevator, I heard the call going through and then a recorded announcement: "The area code of the number you dialed has been changed. The new area code is 810. Please hang up and dial again."
Through the speaker in the elevator, I heard the call going through and then a recorded announcement: "The area code of the number you dialed has been changed. The new area code is 810. Please hang up and dial again."
Getting What you Want
Slogan for a now out-of-business restaurant in Carmel, California:
"Karma Café. We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."
"Karma Café. We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."
Unnamed
When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy."
Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"
Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"
Win-Win
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99," she said "But there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver," she said.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99," she said "But there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver," she said.
Embarassing Mix Up
Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can't replace human calculations. They held an "IBM mixer" dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him.
Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.
Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.
Matchmaker
A student in my math course at Ohlone State College in Fremont, Calif., developed a severe case of tendinitis. Since she couldn't write, she brought a video camera to tape my lectures. After three or four classes, I asked her if she found the method satisfactory. She said it was working quite well, even better than note-taking.
"Actually," she confessed, "I have another reason for doing this. When I told my mother you were a widower, she wanted to see what you look like."
"Actually," she confessed, "I have another reason for doing this. When I told my mother you were a widower, she wanted to see what you look like."
Tough Punishment
I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows: "You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings."
Life on an Island
Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour. "I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in."
"What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.
Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."
"What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.
Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."
2010年10月15日 星期五
A Technical Answer
A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote out a large sign reading "Where am I?" and held it in the chopper's window.
Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because like any computer company's help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because like any computer company's help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Hungry Dogs
At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
Numbing
At the busy dental office where I work, one patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?"
"No," I told him. "We just won't have time to give you an anesthetic."
He arrived early.
"No," I told him. "We just won't have time to give you an anesthetic."
He arrived early.
Military Joke
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft, where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew -- like instant messaging." Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was the warning: "Heads up -- the colonel is on his way!"
Birthday Joke
It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I'd get in the fighter's stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I'd say, "One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over. I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one too?" It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.
Great Writer
Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That's nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."
"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks.
"Yes. He wrote a big check."
"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway."
"Was he a writer?" the student asks.
"Yes. He wrote a big check."
By the Seasons
When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, I could tell he was out of it. I asked if he knew the date. He didn’t.
"Do you know what season it is?"
He thought a moment. "Baseball?"
"Do you know what season it is?"
He thought a moment. "Baseball?"
Sports Joke
At five-ten and 114 pounds, our son, Dan, is the skinniest player on his high school football team. During one of his games, I remarked to a cousin, "I wonder why they gave him the uniform with the number 1 on it."
"It's probably the only one that fit," she said.
"It's probably the only one that fit," she said.
Harsh Joke
There's a scar on my face from a car accident. A customer came into the gas station where I work, glanced at me and exclaimed, "My God, what happened to you?" I told him and hoped that would be the end of it. But he kept pressing me for more information. Finally, he made his purchase and, just before walking away, said, "Hey, don't worry about it. It's not that noticeable."
Miscellaneous
For years I've been getting a terrific rotisserie chicken from a nearby restaurant. One night as I placed an order to go, I told the girl behind the counter, "I'll pick it up later. Do you want my name?"
"Oh, no," she said. "I've seen you come in here a lot." Then she scribbled something on a piece of paper. Feeling flattered, I did my errands. When I grabbed my order, I glanced at her note on the bag: "Old man in the pink shirt."
"Oh, no," she said. "I've seen you come in here a lot." Then she scribbled something on a piece of paper. Feeling flattered, I did my errands. When I grabbed my order, I glanced at her note on the bag: "Old man in the pink shirt."
Surprise
The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me.
"I'm okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife's response: "Who?"
"I'm okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."
My wife's response: "Who?"
Wrong Bar
My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her.
Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.
Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.
Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
Speaking English
After sailing across the Atlantic, my family and I arrived in France. Wanting directions and sorely in need of conversation, my father stopped a passerby and asked if he spoke English. Sizing up my disheveled father, the man warily responded, "Sometimes."
2010年10月14日 星期四
Workmen At Covent
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable.
Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help, "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much."
"Very well, Sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel.'"
Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help, "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much."
"Very well, Sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel.'"
Gay Church
How can you tell when you enter a gay church?
Only half the congregation are on their knees.
Only half the congregation are on their knees.
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
2010年10月13日 星期三
Chicken Scratch
Ever wonder what medical personnel scribble on those clipboards attached to the foot of the bed? Here are some incredible comments taken from hospital charts:
"The patient refused autopsy."
"The patient has no previous history of suicides."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."
"The patient refused autopsy."
"The patient has no previous history of suicides."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."
Sports
One afternoon, I was in our living room reading the sports pages. "This pitcher earns $2.2 million a year just for throwing a ball straight," I ranted to my wife. "Anyone can do that." I picked up a rubber ball that was lying next to my chair and threw it at a couch cushion. "Look at that," I bragged. "Bull's-eye!" My wife tossed the ball back and I threw again, hitting dead center. "Two in a row," I cheered. My third toss went wild and ricocheted into one of my wife's favorite pictures, knocking it off the end table. She didn't even look up.
"And that," she said, "is why you make $22,000 a year."
"And that," she said, "is why you make $22,000 a year."
One Last Look
When a body was brought to her funeral home, my friend contacted the next of kin. Per previous instructions, the deceased would be cremated, she told him, so he needed to come in to identify the body.
Considering the task at hand, the relative asked, "Does this need to be done before or after the cremation?"
Considering the task at hand, the relative asked, "Does this need to be done before or after the cremation?"
Look Younger
I was in a department-store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her. "I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
Age Based Discounts
Our favorite museum in town displays quilts from around the country. When I visited recently, I asked the woman at the front desk about a senior discount. It wasn't to be.
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
"Sir," she said, "this is a quilt museum. We give discounts to teenagers."
Good For A Dollar
A little boy says to his mother, "Mom, i'll be good for a dollar" The mother replies, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time"
The little boy says, "OK Mom, i'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.
The little boy says, "OK Mom, i'll be good for a 25 cents." The mother says, "How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."
The little boy says, "OK Mom, i'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.
The little boy says, "OK Mom, i'll be good for a 25 cents." The mother says, "How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."
Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Hi Daddy
A housewife with three small children was getting dinner ready, when the telephone rang. The six-year-old picked it up, and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister, as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk, she took the receiver, and said, "Hi, Hon."
"Thank goodness, Lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered has arrived!"
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk, she took the receiver, and said, "Hi, Hon."
"Thank goodness, Lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered has arrived!"
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Insurance
"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life-insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"
The woman thought a minute then brightened up and said, "A poodle!"
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?"
The woman thought a minute then brightened up and said, "A poodle!"
2010年10月12日 星期二
The Mailman
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
For Mothers
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting moths last month!"
When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.
"Then why are you checking it out?"
"Because," said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, ... "I just started collecting moths last month!"
What Is A Mother
A mother is someone to shelter and guide us, To love us, whatever we do, With a warm understanding and infinite patience And wonderful gentleness, too.
How often a mother means swift reassurance In soothing our small, childish fears, How tenderly mothers watch over their children And treasure them all through the years! The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness For any mistake, big or small, And generous always in helping her family, Whose needs she has placed above all.
A mother can utter a word of compassion And make all our cares fall away, She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter And make life delightful and gay.
A mother possesses incredible wisdom And wonderful insight and skill - In each human heart is that one special corner Which only a mother can fill!
How often a mother means swift reassurance In soothing our small, childish fears, How tenderly mothers watch over their children And treasure them all through the years! The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness For any mistake, big or small, And generous always in helping her family, Whose needs she has placed above all.
A mother can utter a word of compassion And make all our cares fall away, She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter And make life delightful and gay.
A mother possesses incredible wisdom And wonderful insight and skill - In each human heart is that one special corner Which only a mother can fill!
What Doctors Say
"This should be taken care of right away."
- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Wellll, what do we have here...?"
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. - or-
- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
- You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me...
"There is a lot of that going around."
- My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Wellll, what do we have here...?"
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. - or-
- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
- You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split the fees with me...
"There is a lot of that going around."
- My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
It Is A Miracle
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She said, "Miracle, shmiracle.... he gave me a longer cane."
When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She said, "Miracle, shmiracle.... he gave me a longer cane."
Going To The Doctor
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpselike look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . .
There ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . .
There ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Arsenic
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason", says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife.
When she shows it to the druggist, he looks at the photo and says, " Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason", says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife.
When she shows it to the druggist, he looks at the photo and says, " Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
What Do You Do
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "I'm a former window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
He said, "I'm a former window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
One Hour Before
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast.
At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.
"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.
"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
Heard You Died
The old professor's psychiatrist saw him on the street, gasped and exclaimed, "I heard you'd died!"
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the old professor.
"Impossible!" said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you!"
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the old professor.
"Impossible!" said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you!"
Life In The Fast Lane
At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of seriousbackache.
The doctor examines him and asks him " What the hell did you do to yourback?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? Todaymorning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise . On entering Iknew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushedout the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from thebalcony I saw a man running out and he was still dressing himself. I grabbedthe fridge and threw at him, That's how I sprained my back.
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. Whatthe hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now ..Today was thefirst day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. Iwas running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and youwon't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives , he looks even worse than the first two patientsdo.
The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was hiding in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor."
The doctor examines him and asks him " What the hell did you do to yourback?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? Todaymorning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise . On entering Iknew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushedout the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from thebalcony I saw a man running out and he was still dressing himself. I grabbedthe fridge and threw at him, That's how I sprained my back.
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck.
The doctor says "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. Whatthe hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now ..Today was thefirst day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. Iwas running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and youwon't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives , he looks even worse than the first two patientsdo.
The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was hiding in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor."
Drug Problem
I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for wedding and funerals. And to my grandparents.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather. I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. Those drugs are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better place.
Signed,
Older than Dirt
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for wedding and funerals. And to my grandparents.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather. I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. Those drugs are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better place.
Signed,
Older than Dirt
Expensive Viagra
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10 per pill price.
His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
Image Of His Father
Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father.
Never mind just so long as he's healthy.
Never mind just so long as he's healthy.
How To Preserve Health
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words, after that, an hour's exercise, then.."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words, after that, an hour's exercise, then.."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
Medical Chart Notes
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
She is numb from her toes down.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Jim And Mary
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A Man Took
A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'.
To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!'
After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'.
To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!'
2010年10月11日 星期一
Liars Club
It takes a really tall tale to win the annual Burlington, Wis., Liars Club Contest.
So tip your hat to Gordon Zwicky, because he's a worthy champion. In 2000, he beat out 299 other competitors with a whopper about his trip to Florida.
A neighbor, said Zwicky, told him and his wife Dorothy that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later, they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.
So tip your hat to Gordon Zwicky, because he's a worthy champion. In 2000, he beat out 299 other competitors with a whopper about his trip to Florida.
A neighbor, said Zwicky, told him and his wife Dorothy that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead."
Two months later, they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.
Tricky Question
A young boy of 5 was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He had been playing outside her house for a while when he came into the house.
"Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other? She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It is called sexual intercourse darling."
The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother: "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunks"
"Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other? She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It is called sexual intercourse darling."
The little guy just said "Ok" and went out to play again. In a few minutes he came back inside again and said angrily to his grandmother: "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunks"
Meanings
10. I do really like you.(You remind me of Freddy from "Nightmare on Elm Street", but I havea soft charitable spot for sad losers like you.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.(My grand-dad is also interested in chess. Do you want his 'phonenumber?)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.(You are the ugliest f**ker I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I'm seeing three guys right now, double booked two of them fortonight, and in fact actually fancy your best friend, even though heignores me.)
6. I have a boyfriend/I'm still sort of involved with someone.(I prefer the X-files and a half gallon of Haagen Dazs.)
5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't go out with you if you were in the same 'solar system',much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career right now.(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as this lousy, underpaidjob is better than the thought of sleeping with you.)
2. I'm celibate.(I hugely value good sex, that's why you in particular have nochance.)
...and the NUMERO UNO rejection line, in fact its such a popularline with the gals, they use it to twist the knife even when a manis not really interested (I know its rare boys, but it happens) (andwhat it actually means)
1. Let's be friends.(I'm saying this to put you out of your misery, because you seemlike the sort of guy who wouldn't be man enough to mention it to me,and even if you don't fancy me, I'm just letting you know that you'dbe rejected anyway, so you can feel small and insignificant. Now Iwant you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detailabout all the other men I meet and have sex with, something you'llobviously never experience yourself.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.(My grand-dad is also interested in chess. Do you want his 'phonenumber?)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.(You are the ugliest f**ker I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I'm seeing three guys right now, double booked two of them fortonight, and in fact actually fancy your best friend, even though heignores me.)
6. I have a boyfriend/I'm still sort of involved with someone.(I prefer the X-files and a half gallon of Haagen Dazs.)
5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't go out with you if you were in the same 'solar system',much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career right now.(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as this lousy, underpaidjob is better than the thought of sleeping with you.)
2. I'm celibate.(I hugely value good sex, that's why you in particular have nochance.)
...and the NUMERO UNO rejection line, in fact its such a popularline with the gals, they use it to twist the knife even when a manis not really interested (I know its rare boys, but it happens) (andwhat it actually means)
1. Let's be friends.(I'm saying this to put you out of your misery, because you seemlike the sort of guy who wouldn't be man enough to mention it to me,and even if you don't fancy me, I'm just letting you know that you'dbe rejected anyway, so you can feel small and insignificant. Now Iwant you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detailabout all the other men I meet and have sex with, something you'llobviously never experience yourself.)
What Do You Say
You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
Knock Knock Grandma
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
Started Strippin
Yo' mama so stupid, that when I asked her to turn on the TV, she started strippin'.
Are You A Doctor
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "But I do make a good living squeezing men by the balls till they cough up money...I'm a Divorce Attorney."
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "But I do make a good living squeezing men by the balls till they cough up money...I'm a Divorce Attorney."
8 Years Old
One man asked a schoolboy, "How old is your father?"
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man: "What?"
Boy: "Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago.
The boy replied, "He is 8 years old."
Man: "What?"
Boy: "Because he became a father when I was born 8 years ago.
Harmless Practical Jokes
Another harmless practical joke to be played on people living in multiple story apartment buildings is as follows: Knock on victim's door. Say, "I've got to use your window, someone's about to jump from an apartment above yours." Run to window and look outside, but don't let victim look.
At this point your accomplice dumps a rag-filled dummy either from the window above or from the roof. The dummy should be fully closed; for added realism put some plastic bags of fake blood inside the clothes. On the sidewalk below, a third accomplice puts down a plastic sheet, then covers it with a sheet painted to resemble the sidewalk. After the body hits, let the victim see the gore, then convince him to run down and help while you stay and call the ambulance.
As soon as the victim has left, signal your accomplice to remove the sheets and the dummy and head for some prearranged hiding place. Then you leave the apartment and disappear somewhere in the building; later, you make your way downstairs and leave. The victim will race downstairs expecting to find a dead bloody body and will instead see only clean, empty pavement.
Of course, it is best done late at night since the joke would be spoiled by a passer-by who informed the victim of the "body's" fate. The fun comes imagining the victim trying to convince the police or anyone else of what happened!
At this point your accomplice dumps a rag-filled dummy either from the window above or from the roof. The dummy should be fully closed; for added realism put some plastic bags of fake blood inside the clothes. On the sidewalk below, a third accomplice puts down a plastic sheet, then covers it with a sheet painted to resemble the sidewalk. After the body hits, let the victim see the gore, then convince him to run down and help while you stay and call the ambulance.
As soon as the victim has left, signal your accomplice to remove the sheets and the dummy and head for some prearranged hiding place. Then you leave the apartment and disappear somewhere in the building; later, you make your way downstairs and leave. The victim will race downstairs expecting to find a dead bloody body and will instead see only clean, empty pavement.
Of course, it is best done late at night since the joke would be spoiled by a passer-by who informed the victim of the "body's" fate. The fun comes imagining the victim trying to convince the police or anyone else of what happened!
Cats Are Like Men
They are independent.
They don't listen.
They don't come in when you call.
They like to stay out all night.
When you are trying to get things done, they want your attention.
When they are home, they like to be left alone and sleep.
They don't listen.
They don't come in when you call.
They like to stay out all night.
When you are trying to get things done, they want your attention.
When they are home, they like to be left alone and sleep.
Two Mice
There were two blondes as roommates and they both bought mice. When they got home the first blonde said, "How are we going to tell them apart?"
The second blonde said, "Why don't we take one and chop off one of its legs?"
But during the night the mouse with four legs said to the mouse with three legs, ''That's not fair -- I want three legs too.'' So the mouse with three legs told him to eat one of his legs. And so he did.
The next morning the blondes were upset about this so they did the same thing as the day before. But again the mouse with three legs ate one of his legs. This went on until both mice had no tails and legs. Then one of the blondes shouted, ''All right, that's it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one!''
The second blonde said, "Why don't we take one and chop off one of its legs?"
But during the night the mouse with four legs said to the mouse with three legs, ''That's not fair -- I want three legs too.'' So the mouse with three legs told him to eat one of his legs. And so he did.
The next morning the blondes were upset about this so they did the same thing as the day before. But again the mouse with three legs ate one of his legs. This went on until both mice had no tails and legs. Then one of the blondes shouted, ''All right, that's it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one!''
2010年10月8日 星期五
Fancy Costume Party
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Secret Code
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times!"
This Dog
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ...
Now read without the word dog.
Now read without the word dog.
Get Divorced
Why did Diana and Charles get divorced?
They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.
They had a fight over who wore the skirt in the family.
Make Like A Frog
A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.
When they arrive, Johnny runs ahead of his granny, and bursts into his grandfather's room.
"Grandpa", the boy says, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make the sounds of a frog,"
"What for?" asked his Grandpa.
"Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World"
When they arrive, Johnny runs ahead of his granny, and bursts into his grandfather's room.
"Grandpa", the boy says, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make the sounds of a frog,"
"What for?" asked his Grandpa.
"Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World"
Old West
A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
2010年10月7日 星期四
Diplomas
Q: Why do economists carry their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in the (morally/intellectually) handicapped parking.
A: So they can park in the (morally/intellectually) handicapped parking.
A Dose Of Hmo
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.
Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''
St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''
Nurse: ''I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.''
St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?''
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: ''I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.''
St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!''
Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''
St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''
Nurse: ''I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.''
St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?''
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: ''I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.''
St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!''
3 Hearts
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heat will set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'
The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.
'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heat will set you back $150,000!'
'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'
'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'
What A Choice
The judge was very stern with the woman.
"You are the wife of this man," he said severely.
"You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"
"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."
"You are the wife of this man," he said severely.
"You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"
"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger and I had to choose between a burglar and a lawyer."
Men... Men Stand When They Pee
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please oh please, oh please, let me have the ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it.
It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position.
Adam was so happy that he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest to him, while laughing with delight all the while.
It was so good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, whom he found under an apple tree.
"I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please oh please, oh please, let me have the ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the snow! Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it.
It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturition while in a vertical position.
Adam was so happy that he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest to him, while laughing with delight all the while.
It was so good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
3 Daughters
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room.
He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying.
He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.
The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."
He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying.
He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.
The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."
Beautiful Woman, Ha!
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Las Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."
He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked. He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."
Rules For Female
A friend in the LA School District has forwarded me this set of rules of conduct for female teachers in 1915 (school district unknown). My how times have changed.
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.
Definition Of Kiss
Prof of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable
The difference
What's the difference between Diana and Prince William?
One's Heir to the Throne and one was thrown through the air!
One's Heir to the Throne and one was thrown through the air!
A tough day
We had a tough day at the office yesterday.
The computers were all down and everyone had to think!
The computers were all down and everyone had to think!
Dog Fido
Just after the maid had been fired.
She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.
When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"
2010年10月6日 星期三
Joke for Adult
A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for a 69er."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
Joke - 2 women
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter....
First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
Joke - Guide To Men
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cord less drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cord less drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cord less drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cord less drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" Manila rope. No one knows why
When in doubt - buy him a cord less drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cord less drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cord less drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cord less drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" Manila rope. No one knows why
Joke - Dog Letters To God
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'.
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
• I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
• I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
• The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'.
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
• I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
• I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
• The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
2010年10月5日 星期二
Joke - 這樣的醫院
“真是太不像話了，還有這樣的醫院！”
“怎么回事？”
“兩個醫生給我看病，一個認定我得了盲腸炎，一個得了膽結石。哪后來怎么解決的呢？”
“他們兩個擲硬幣定輸贏，最后割了我的扁桃腺！”
“怎么回事？”
“兩個醫生給我看病，一個認定我得了盲腸炎，一個得了膽結石。哪后來怎么解決的呢？”
“他們兩個擲硬幣定輸贏，最后割了我的扁桃腺！”
Joke - Before-Marriage v.s Post-Marriage
Before-Marriage : Read down from here ↓
He: Excellent, The date I am expecting almost is here! I can't wait!
She: Can I back out?
He: No, Don't event think about it !
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Will you betray me?
He: No! Why you have this kind of thinking?
She: Could you kiss me once?
He: Sure! Will be more than once!
She: Any chance you will beat me up?
He: Never!
She: Can I beleve you?
Post-marriage: Read from this line up ↑
He: Excellent, The date I am expecting almost is here! I can't wait!
She: Can I back out?
He: No, Don't event think about it !
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Will you betray me?
He: No! Why you have this kind of thinking?
She: Could you kiss me once?
He: Sure! Will be more than once!
She: Any chance you will beat me up?
He: Never!
She: Can I beleve you?
Post-marriage: Read from this line up ↑
Joke - 做實驗
一個生物系學生做實驗，一次他把一只跳蚤的腳切掉二只，然后對著跳蚤說：「跳！」 跳蚤跳.. 于是他再切斷二只，又對著跳蚤說：「跳！」 跳蚤依然照 跳不誤..最后他又再切斷二只腳， 然后又對跳蚤喊：「跳！」 這時跳蚤再也跳不動了.. 于是他寫下了心得～「跳蚤在切短斷六只腳后，就變成聾子了！」
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